Just wanted to update those of you who read this blog and wonder what is going on with the patients that I have freaked out about in the past. I'm thinking of two children, one with medical necrotizing entercolitis and one with probable bronchopulmonary dysplasia. These two aren't done yet, but as soon as they finish their respective stories, I will be sure to finish mine with you (ie. still waiting).
Newbie Doc
Monday, July 19, 2010
Why Not?
One of those things that you hear in medical school, almost as soon as you enter, is that it's a long, tough road. Towards the end of second year when you are burnt out and sick of it, wondering why the heck you chose this profession, they will start telling you, "don't worry, when third year rolls around, you'll start to see the light at the end of the tunnel." (seriously get ready to be sick of this phrase) and for a little while (during fourth year), things do ease up a bit, life gets better and you start to think to yourself, "Maybe that light is just around the corner." But then interviewing hits you and in the midst of getting caught up in finding a residency, you again loose sight of that idea, that there may be an "end" to all of this constant running at full throttle.
It wasn't until this last weekend, on Saturday, that I was talking to my father that this thought reoccured to me. I was catching up with him, when he mentioned that one of my brothers, Jason, was able to finally complete a long standing goal of his, something he has been working on for a long time...he did this a whole month ago and I'm just now finding out. Right then, when my dad told me this, I suddenly felt a pit in my stomach. Let me try to explain.
If you go straight from high school to college, and straight from college to medical school, you are about 19-20 years of age when you first decide to become a doctor. If you are committed then it only takes about a year, until you begin to see it in a "there is no going back" attitude, you've already put in too much work to quit now. It becomes like climbing a mountain, I suppose, after all the planning, packing, and traveling just to reach the base (even though it's starting to look pretty daunting), why would you turn back now? You have to give it your best shot. So you're into it now. Why did you decide to climb a mountain in the first place?
For me I liked this mountain because it had good job stability, pay, nobility, and prestige (once you had climbed to the top that is). At the time, those sounded like really strong reasons and although I knew entering into medicine's ranks wasn't a decision idilly made (that didn't stop me from doing it), I was young, immature, and nieve. A friend once said, "You're going to be 26 anyway, why not be 26 years old and a doctor to boot." Even though I had all these "reasons" his statement summed up my attitude better than any other, "I liked the job. So why not."
The biggest thing (I think) most self absorbed 19-20 year old kids don't think about is others, specifically their relationships with family and friends. You think going through college as a pre-medicine major, that you are isolated from your loved ones. You think you know what that sacrifice feels like and so you don't give it another thought as you go on to become a doctor, it's not bad at that point. But as medical school drags on, your family and friends drift further away from you. You watch as they plan big parties that you can't go to, they buy houses, they get married, they even have children, and in the rare horrifying instances they pass away; all the while you're standing outside of their lives, isolated, static, and uninvolved. In a way you start to see life pass you by and if medical school is a tunnel like they say, at that point, it only gets darker and darker.
I think that pit in my stomach I felt on Saturday was my denial being shattered. Distracted at the end of school, I had forgotten about looking for the "light". I went into residency and forgot all about that feeling of life passing you by, in the back of my mind, I think I really thought it was over. Talking with my father on the phone, brought me crashing back to reality. While I vastly prefer residency to medical school, in this respect they are the same, that feeling of watching loved ones live their lives without you is still present and sometimes painful...where is that dang light??? If you see that person who says this tunnel analogy crap to you, would you punch them for me?
All that depressing stuff being said, I do love my job and I'm very thankful for all the things making this choice has brought me (a great career, an amazing wife, and a new son), but this is just one of those decisions whose consequences you can't comprehend when you make it as a 19 year old. If you're wondering whether I would still make the same decision again, knowing what I know, the answer is: Yes I would, but I think that decision would have been a smidge less impulsive. Becoming a doctor isn't a tunnel to be passed through at the end of medical school or residency, as far as I can tell it's a journey you'll travel on for the rest of your career...possibly for the rest of your life (maybe that's what they are getting at with the whole tunnel-light-analogy), so if you're a pre-medie trying to make that decision, think long and hard before making it, it's a decision that isn't just about you, it's about you and everybody you know and love....no pressure ;P.
Newbie-Doc
It wasn't until this last weekend, on Saturday, that I was talking to my father that this thought reoccured to me. I was catching up with him, when he mentioned that one of my brothers, Jason, was able to finally complete a long standing goal of his, something he has been working on for a long time...he did this a whole month ago and I'm just now finding out. Right then, when my dad told me this, I suddenly felt a pit in my stomach. Let me try to explain.
If you go straight from high school to college, and straight from college to medical school, you are about 19-20 years of age when you first decide to become a doctor. If you are committed then it only takes about a year, until you begin to see it in a "there is no going back" attitude, you've already put in too much work to quit now. It becomes like climbing a mountain, I suppose, after all the planning, packing, and traveling just to reach the base (even though it's starting to look pretty daunting), why would you turn back now? You have to give it your best shot. So you're into it now. Why did you decide to climb a mountain in the first place?
For me I liked this mountain because it had good job stability, pay, nobility, and prestige (once you had climbed to the top that is). At the time, those sounded like really strong reasons and although I knew entering into medicine's ranks wasn't a decision idilly made (that didn't stop me from doing it), I was young, immature, and nieve. A friend once said, "You're going to be 26 anyway, why not be 26 years old and a doctor to boot." Even though I had all these "reasons" his statement summed up my attitude better than any other, "I liked the job. So why not."
The biggest thing (I think) most self absorbed 19-20 year old kids don't think about is others, specifically their relationships with family and friends. You think going through college as a pre-medicine major, that you are isolated from your loved ones. You think you know what that sacrifice feels like and so you don't give it another thought as you go on to become a doctor, it's not bad at that point. But as medical school drags on, your family and friends drift further away from you. You watch as they plan big parties that you can't go to, they buy houses, they get married, they even have children, and in the rare horrifying instances they pass away; all the while you're standing outside of their lives, isolated, static, and uninvolved. In a way you start to see life pass you by and if medical school is a tunnel like they say, at that point, it only gets darker and darker.
I think that pit in my stomach I felt on Saturday was my denial being shattered. Distracted at the end of school, I had forgotten about looking for the "light". I went into residency and forgot all about that feeling of life passing you by, in the back of my mind, I think I really thought it was over. Talking with my father on the phone, brought me crashing back to reality. While I vastly prefer residency to medical school, in this respect they are the same, that feeling of watching loved ones live their lives without you is still present and sometimes painful...where is that dang light??? If you see that person who says this tunnel analogy crap to you, would you punch them for me?
All that depressing stuff being said, I do love my job and I'm very thankful for all the things making this choice has brought me (a great career, an amazing wife, and a new son), but this is just one of those decisions whose consequences you can't comprehend when you make it as a 19 year old. If you're wondering whether I would still make the same decision again, knowing what I know, the answer is: Yes I would, but I think that decision would have been a smidge less impulsive. Becoming a doctor isn't a tunnel to be passed through at the end of medical school or residency, as far as I can tell it's a journey you'll travel on for the rest of your career...possibly for the rest of your life (maybe that's what they are getting at with the whole tunnel-light-analogy), so if you're a pre-medie trying to make that decision, think long and hard before making it, it's a decision that isn't just about you, it's about you and everybody you know and love....no pressure ;P.
Newbie-Doc
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