Opinionated Aren't We

Did I ever say that my kids are my greatest teacher in my pediatrics residency? They are simultaneously harder than a medical residency and more educational.  I often tell the interns, I don't require that you have a child to be a pediatrician...but if I could I would.  My biggest professional cringe moment is when I think back about some of the advice I gave parents before I was a parent...pshhh...how did they not reach out and slap me.  There are pediatricians I know that have been at this 25+ years without kids...and they are still spilling that same cringe worthy advice out to parents without a clue to how dumb and unrealistic it can be.  My top lessons my kids and my patients have taught me.

1. Kids are resilient and often survive despite our best efforts to kill them.

2. They are human beings, not Furbies, despite what every author/doctor would like you to believe there is no direction manual for your child...we try to help you figure your little one out.

3. Some people shouldn't be parents, some parents shouldn't have been children

4. Use your eyes not your ears with little ones or every sneeze will send you to the ED

5. It's ok to tell a parent there child is crazy...just explain it really well

6. It's ok to tell a parent they are crazy...no explanation is needed...they likely already know 

7. It's ok to not know everything, to be wrong, and to make mistakes - just be honest and remember who you are here for.

8. Most pediatrics advice is not evidence based (you can't perform tests on kids...ethically anyway), if something your telling a patient seems stupid, either figure out why you don't understand it, or don't tell it to them.

9. Sometimes kids need yelled at...Sometimes kids need spanked...If you don't hate doing it then you should stop doing it.

10. Flattery will get you everywhere.

11. Women ARE smarter than men, but children can in certain instances make them retarded. 

12. Men ARE dumber than women, but children can in certain rare instances make them even stupider. 

13. If you're being politically correct, then you are too worried about what other people think of you.

14. Be yourself, then be professional...people want treated by people...they tried robots, it didn't work.

15. How do you know a teen female is lying...her mouth is open.

16. They actually have a specialized doctor for dealing with teenage women...called a psychiatrist.

17. Stereotyping works, but it'll make you a stereotypical ass every now and then.

18. Recognize your limitations you don't know how to mind control patients...yet.

19. Everybody likes gifts and shiny toys, it works for kids and really works for adults.

20. Give a smile to get a smile with an adult, forget the adult is in the room to get a child to smile.

Newbie Doc

A Million Ways to Die

I can't sleep.  A lot has changed in 2 years...my ever-present sleep disorder is not one of them.  April 29th, my wife and I were blessed with our second son.  He's now 7 days old and just back to birth weight (normal for a breast fed infant). I woke up to tachypnic stridor (fast breathing with a high pitched snore like noise on inspiration).  I woke up as a parent and immediately rushed to his side, wide eyed...he was fine, it was positional (when I changed how he was laying it went away).  He was also not struggling to breath, his skin was warm, pink, and he smiled as he farted on me...a normal happy 7 day old.  I changed his blanket swaddle so he wouldn't make that freaky noise, hovered on him for a couple seconds and then forced myself to walk away, my mantra, what will happen will happen. I think you might convince yourself that I'm a really relaxed parent if you were watching me, that's because in my mind I'm constantly obsessing about how my children will get hurt or die...I can't stop...that's normal probably for a parent...but honestly I've done that for a long time before my kids came along. Before it was my kids, it was my parents, my brothers, my grandparents...my underlying thought is that in predicting and seeing how they die I might forestall it...like God would be like, "Oh damn it, he caught me again...he sees where I'm going with this whole heart attack thing...guess I'm gonna have to change my strategy." It's a stupid childhood thought, but it really belies a underlying monstrous fear of loosing those I love.  I know I don't have any control, so I've made a obsession/ritual thought/whatever to pacify me.  The big thing in all this is I see death and illness as a thing that is out of my control, I see so many ways for my kids to kill themselves that I've had to relax...or risk my head exploding.  My near two year old could fall in the pool, he could get hit by a car as he crosses the road, he could fall down the stairs, he could get sick with an infection, he could get a bad cancer, he could get stung or bitten by the wrong bug/snake, he could get kidnapped, he could choke on food or a balloon, he could pull a TV or something heavy down on his head, he could have a food allergy, he could strangulate himself on curtain strings somehow...and my 7 day old...it's very possible (at least in my mind) he could just fail to keep breathing, he could start having seizures, ...and on and on and on.  In my mind I see a bazillion ways for God to take them from me and I realize no hand sanitizer ritual, no constant hovering while they sleep, nothing I can do can prevent them or anyone I love from God taking them from me.  I could protect them from one thing just for one of them to develop a cancer we can't treat.  I think of all these things...probably more than I think of anything anymore...and then with a deep breath I have to let it go. Of course there are times like tonight where I don't have the luxury of slowly thinking about it and I awake in a panic.  I don't know that I'm any different from any other parent, you obsess about your kids and if its a good day you find the strength to let them outside your nest, so they can live, learn, and grow...and you recite your comforting repetitive mantra or thought, whatever that might be.

Newbie Doc