Winning the Oscar

One of the things I've been afraid of from the get go was having to be the leader. I've never been that kid. When I sit in class I sit in the middle of the room, least noticeable. When I played football I played the safety. When I'm in a group I never lead, I am the ever dependable guy with good ideas...it scares me being in the spot light, everyone following my choices, dealing with my mistakes. When I first committed back in college to becoming a doctor, it only occurred after the fact...after it was too late, that for me to be the doctor that I wanted to be, it would require me to make some major character changes. It was a fear I pushed to the back of my mind and I told myself I'd deal with it later. Well I'm dealing with it now. It was one thing to be the person in command when your the one in the room with all the medical knowledge, it's just default that everyone will be listening to you, in a way it's like a senior in high school is the default leader when placed in a group of freshman...that's not hard or scary for me. Here I am this month placed in a group of doctors similar to myself, some better doctors in every way than I am...and it falls to me to lead them...that is absolutely terrifying.

This last month I was one of the five ward seniors (head doctors overseeing the lesser experienced interns). Wards can be a scary place for any doctor, intern to attending. The place I work have complex patients and they can go down the tubes quick. As a senior I'm giving up that blanket of comfort, that while I'm the doctor, that there is a much more experienced person above me giving me direction when I need it. Gone is my ability to manage every little aspect of my patient's care, I have to entrust that to my interns and hope and pray I'm a good enough teacher, doctor, and leader that they will do no less than I (hopefully better).

That would be scary enough, but every 4th day as a senior you are called to be admit senior, where you have to take charge of not only the interns but the other seniors as well. A position that puts you nose to nose with the attendings, making calls they have to deal with, in effect ordering them around as well.

Well in short, I'm almost done with this month. I have two days left and what I have found is that when swarms of patients are incoming and you are called to lead, you either crumble on your poor confidence or you stow it and start tossing orders to get the job done. If you make a mistake you apologize to yourself, quietly...tell yourself to do better. You put on a different mask, it may not be you or even the person you want to be, but you do it to exude the confidence needed so that the people under you will follow the orders you hope to be right. The hesitance you can feel as an intern or as a person not wearing that mask gets shoved aside, if you are the one protecting the patients when the interns don't have the knowledge, the experience, or the confidence...then you take the knowledge you have in hand, the experience and the common sense you've scrapped together over a year and if you're like me and you don't have the confidence, for your patients sake, you damn well better win an oscar faking it.

I'm not done and I've got a lot to learn still wearing this "mask", but this has what's got me through so far and I've got my fingers triple crossed that its working.

Newbie Doc