Big Boy

I don't know how so much went wrong in such little time, but it's put me in a me in a mild state of shock.  I'm on wards and my attending is a guy close to retirement. It's generally known in residency that working with him you are basically the attending, because he doesn't give a damn.  If his license goes then he retires...so he doesn't care.  For the last 3 days I've been attending, really.  It's been an eye opening experience, it's shown me that there are things that I can do that I didn't know I could and things that I still can't.  I'm not experienced enough to hold that responsibility and power without making mistakes and when I made those mistakes I stood in front of the other attending's and took my shalaking as a big boy.  I might be a boy in pull ups taking a punishment meant for an older person, but I made those decisions and I have to stand by them, no one else carried that responsibility, I did.

The last six hours of my day was yelling at me.  I'm having trouble processing what lead to things going that bad.  Considering my job it could have been worse, no one was hurt...they could have been.  What it comes down to is I convinced myself I knew what I really didn't and I did what I prided myself on not doing, I believed my own bullshit and didn't look up the right answer.  I tried to handle it on my own and I failed.  I couldn't even go home when I tried to, I couldn't even feel I was so tired and ground down...even without what happened it was a long day.

I contemplated getting drunk, but I have to pull a 6-9p shift in the same damn place.  I ducked out and went to a movie instead.   As I'm walking out of the movie I'm finally feeling better, digging out of the sludge, but just as I feel better another one of the things that happened today hits me again and I'm down in it.  I have a recipe for surviving days like this (I've had 3 total in my time at residency).  You put your head down and watch your feet place themselves one in front of the next.  You think about what mistakes you made, put something in place that keeps them from happening again and you move on and even if you think it's a lie you tell yourself tomorrow is going to be better.  Last step is to go to sleep, sometimes that's the hardest thing is sleeping with what you've done and what you have to wake up to.

Newbie Doc